Day 23

HAPPY FRIDAY!!!! YES! It is finally here! WOO HOO!!!

This is gonna be a hot weekend, record temps everywhere and so I plan on swimming the whole weekend, racking up lots of exercise. :D

Today I want to talk about how we try to negotiate with ourselves or bribe our selves into doing what we know we shouldn't.

One of the hardest temptations I encounter are of my own making. I start to get hungry, I think about food, what I like. I begin trying to tell myself I can just buy, chew and spit. Or, if I eat just one of this or that it will be fine. I consider how I could get away with doing some form of diet cheating.

I am my own worst enemy. These attempts at self sabotage, the inability to fully let go of my need for food, taste , texture, is baffling. Technically I am not starving, my body is receiving enough nutrients. Yes, well below the calorie intake needed to maintain my weight, but that's necessary for rapid weight loss. But WHY do we do this? Why do we, or me specifically, try to talk myself into doing something that I've consciously decided to not do?

This internal battle can be exhausting! It's draining to spend hours thinking about food, constantly having thoughts on how to get around my died and still taste the food. It almost feels like a form of obsession. The longer I do this the more I wonder how drug addicts really get clean. The human mind tries whatever it can to convince us to do what it/we want despite our conscious effort not to take that action.

Of course, if this were EASY nobody would be fat or addicted to drugs. lol!

Anyway, those are my deep thoughts for the day, 0 readers, I hope you have a fun, shady, cool weekend.

Day 22

Alert 0 readers!! Alert!! Alert!! I lost 3.8 lbs this week!! Add in the previous 2 weeks and I have a total of 22.2 lbs lost in 3 weeks!! WOO HOOO! So exciting!!

Also, because it's "that time of the month" for me, they said I probably am retaining about 2 lbs of water weight, so by next week that should drop off again.

I'm going to Tahoe for the 4th of July weekend so I won't be doing a weigh-in next week. Which means I'm hoping for a 8 to 10 lb loss over these next two weeks!! :) I will be VERY active in Tahoe and expect to burn a lot of calories and drop a lot of weight.

So another great week of results from my hard work!

Let's talk about shoes!! My feet are shrinking, and it's happening rapidly!! I used to wear slip-on's but now my feet are swimming in them. This is fantastic! But it also means I am reverting back to being a sneaker wearer. lol! I can't tell you how great it feels to put my foot into a sneaker now and just tie it up and go. After wearing my slip-on's for weeks now, the shoes were starting to rattle around my foot and it felt dangerous.

Honestly, I look forward to getting to buy new shoes! lol!

You know what I'm most excited about? Being able to wear heels again. Wearing heals when extremely over weight is just a bad idea. Sure, some stars can do it, but I promise you they only have them on for photo ops. Cause think about the PSI for a 3 in heel! Not to mention if you trip/fall/twist ankle falling down can be so dangerous. Even a shorty like me has to worry. For me, a huge benchmark will be being able to wear cute, strappy heels again. That's a good 6 to 10 months away, but still...goals sweetie, goals!

My FitBit One arrived and I have it all set. I really like this so much more than the other one I had. Just better all around. I like how it's easy, small and excited to try out the sleep app stuff.

That's all for today 0 readers! My boss is out of town so I'm relaxed at work, I've got my Tahoe plans for next week and only plan on working 2.5 days. My sister is doing better every day and that is a huge relief. All in all, the week is gonna end on a high note. Till tomorrow 0 readers!!!

Day 21...Completion of my 3rd week!! WOO HOO!!

Well 0 readers, it was an easy and hard week. Easy diet wise, hard emotionally. In the past I would have eaten so many calories during this time. I would have shoved meats, cheeses and bread down the gullet, and part of me still wants to, but no frakking WAY. All this hard work will not go in vain.

My sister is doing better every day, but it's a waiting game for like 15 days until her doctor is back in town. I talk to her every day, keep it light and happy. Check in with my niece and brother-in-law as well. Making plans for late July. This will be ok...it has to.

You know, during Sunday after that call with my sister in crying hysterics, it was the first time since our father died that I really really needed him and didn't know what to do. I knew that if Dad were still around, he would know exactly what to do to help Anne. He would know what to say and how to calm her down.

When she was 6 my mom shut the van door on her fingers. She was crying in pain, holding her fingers sobbing. My father carefully put her in the car, every movement produced a yelp from her. He tells her to wait one minute, runs back inside and grabs a can of Orange Soda fresh out of the fridge. He takes her hand and gently cradles her hurt fingers around the soda and then popped the top and said "Here Peanut, Now you can sooth your fingers and your belly." and off they went to the hospital to check out her hand.

The smile on my sisters face was electric. He could have put an ice pack on it, he could have just driven to the hospital. He was a doctor, he could have handled it at home. But he knew just what to do to help my sister and how to calm her down. I wish a cold Orange Soda could help her now. :( Miss you Dad!

So...on to happy stuff, today is my weigh-in!! I'm thinking my number will be below 5 lbs for two reasons. 1. My Chew and Spit experiment. 2. I have my period this week and feel a little bloated, probably retaining water. But as long as it's a drop in weight I will be happy!! I really hope that it's, at the least, over 2, that way I can say I've lost 20 lbs in three weeks! haha!!

Work is going better too, realizing that work stress was causing so much of my food cravings so I spent all weekend catching up. This week has been SOO much better stress wise and I'm on top of things again. Plus the boss just left for 18 days, so Happy Days are here again!!

This next week is gonna have to be when I start really exercising. I'm gonna try the exercise program on my TV (Samsung Smart TV has exercise apps  - cool, huh?) and my Wii Fit.

I also got a FitBit for my step tracking. The other one I got was OK, but it didn't communicate with my phone or tell me calories burned or any of that fun stuff, so I'm getting an upgrade.

Alrighty 0 readers, Here's to a good number for my 3rd week!!!

Day 20

0 readers, it's been a hard couple of days. Worry for my sister is extremely high. Fortunately I've spoken with her several times and she seems to be stabilizing but her doctor is out for two weeks so she has to wait to see her. This is upsetting but doable.

Now, onto the next thing, you know how I came up with that GREAT idea to chew and spit out...apparently that can turn into an eating disorder??? WHAT?? Oh lord, I'm screwed! lol! I really thought my brilliant plan as brilliant. It satisfied the cravings, I haven't been dying for any of my favorites now and can easily move past the need for crunch, salt, taste, food, whatever. So...crap! lol! I don't know. I can't promise I won't do it again while on this diet. I am probably going to be off of food for a year, I will probably need to do this again in order to avoid actually cheating on the diet and eating - which, BTW, makes you intolerant to eating solid food so once I'm ready to ween myself off, I have to slowly introduce food again over like three weeks.

What to do, what to do!! Oh the adventures of extreme weight-loss and dealing with food addiction!! :(

So, fun stuff!!

My clothes are starting to get loose and I am faced with the idea that soon I will need to go down in sizes.

First, let me promote my absolute FAVORITE shopping site for plus size: www.onestopplus.com this place is a gem. Amazing clothes, so many styles, hip, casual, formal, they have it all and the stuff is NICE and fairly inexpensive as well. I can't tell you how many compliments I've gotten on my outfits since shopping there, it's hard for a fat girl to feel like she's totally fitting in or in style. With this place I have been able to find amazing swimsuits, casual clothes, jeans, formal. It's awesome.

So what I did was get 10 t-shirts in 2 sizes lower than now and then 4 sizes lower, as well as 2 jeans for each step-down size. I get these really cheap and easy to figure out. I didn't want to spend much on my transition wardrobe and right now have only spent a little over 200 for 26 shirts and 4 jeans. Can't beat that price 0 readers!!!

I do my weigh-in tomorrow, hoping for another 5 lb loss, we will see if my chew and spit theory effected my weight-loss, I sure hope not! (obviously, lol!)

I'm tired, 0 readers. It's been a hard few days. If I was still able to drink, I would go have one tonight! lol!

Day 19

Well 0 readers it was a weird weekend. Since this is anonymous and I don't have any readers or plan on sharing this with anyone I know, let me tell you what really happened this weekend.

#1.  I tried something drastic.

As you know I've been struggling with my cravings so much. So, on my first weekend alone, I decided to do something pretty gross but effective. I bought some of the food I was craving, bit into it, chewed the delicious foods and then spit it out into a bowl. I did this three times. Once on Friday and twice on Saturday. It was amazing! lol! To taste the food, feel the crunch, MMMMM!! Amazing!! lol! The other thing, I know I won't be wanting those foods again because I saw what they looked like after spitting them out! lol! So disgusting!!! I'm sure I absorbed some salt and sugar through my mouth, and maybe a bit of the fat/grease and some bit of carbs went down but overall I ate nothing and tasted all of it. lol! I'm SURE this is not an approved way of dealing with cravings. But it worked. I felt so satisfied. After each episode I crazily brushed my teeth, flossed, etc. Trying to make sure to swallow any calories. Carbs being the biggest fear.

It is also something I don't want to do often, but it was very effective in killing the ever deepening cravings for food.

#2. My sister called me and in a very disturbing conversation I went from relaxed to extremely worried.

Well, since is just me and you, my 0 readers, I can share with you that my sister has been having a very difficult year or so, maybe long. She is struggling with her husband, her dissatisfaction, with feeling like her husband doesn't listen, undermines her with her daughter, etc. She has also been getting more and more upset with my mother. Over the past 1.5 years I have seen her change dramatically. I've tried to get her into counseling, marriage therapy, anything.

I witnessed a horrid fight between my sister and my niece. Something is really wrong and I can't do anything to help. I don't know what to do. On Sunday she called asking if she and my niece could come down, drop her off with me while my sister goes to meet her best friend. I asked a few questions and was met with almost hysterical crying, saying she didn't need the interrogation and then hung up.

I have kind of been in shock/stunned/frozen since them. Stuck because I don't know what to do.  My brother in law just called me and he is scared too, almost had to call the cops on her to take her to the hospital. I'm really scared and not sure what to do. I told him to call his provider immediately and make an emergency appointment for her and beg her to go. This supersedes any diet stuff and just terrifies me. Also worries me because our mother had a breakdown around her age and left us. I'm scared for my sister, my niece and my brother-in-law.

I did not feel the urge to eat, I felt the urge to clean and found myself just stopped sometimes and staring, caught worrying. 0 readers, this is scary stuff.

Day 16

Well 0 readers, it's FRIDAY!!! Woo hoo!! I'm so happy the end of the week is here! It's beautiful out, no plans this weekend so lots of putzing around the house, setting up my Wii Fit and generally trying to resist the urge to let myself eat. It's gonna be hard, all afternoon I've been thinking about burgers, fried chicken, etc.

I have no words of wisdom today, I'm more about not giving in to the cravings, staying on top of my shakes so I don't get too hungry and don't start wanting other things.

Being alone is when I eat the most. I get whatever I want and just go at it. I'm sure I have some kind of eating disorder. The problem is I could never be the kind that makes you skinny!! lol! I hate throwing up and I dislike exercise. lol! Whoops!

I'm not trying to make fun of other people's eating disorders, I'm just kind of making fun of myself for having one that doesn't keep you skinny.

I don't know how to deal with this constant craving (isn't that a KD Lang song?) and I'm afraid that if I can't get a handle on this I'm gonna blow up again after ending the diet. Or even fail at this one before I'm done. Almost feel like a junkie jonesing. It's rough.

Anyway, I'm excited for my weekend alone, I plan on dancing stupid to a few of my favorite songs, to keep up my calorie burning. Speaking of...I keep forgetting my pedometer at home. So I'm having a hard time keeping track of my steps. Ends up you need to WEAR it in order to USE it. lol!

Have a good weekend 0 readers!! I may just post this weekend since I'll be living the leisure life for two days. :D

Day 15

Alert!! Alert!!! 2nd Week Weight-loss results are in!!! 5.2 lbs!!! WOO HOOO!! That's a total of 18.4 in two weeks. Keeping in mind that probably 5 of those pounds last week was water weight after cutting out all the salt. But either way, 18.4 lbs DOWN! WOO HOOO!!!

I was hoping for a higher number, but the folks at the clinic told me to shut up! ahaha! That 5 was the perfect number. lol! So I will TAKE it!

Another successful week completed. Awesome news!!

So in this last meeting (there is a group meeting with our therapist after our weigh-in's and drawing blood they test us every two weeks to make sure we aren't damaging our organs or body) we talked about how we deal with our emotions and stress. She passed out a sheet that had 5 Styles of managing Anxiety:

Underfunctioners

Tend to have several areas where they just can’t get organized.

Become less competent under stress, thus inviting others to take over

Tend to develop physical or emotional symptoms when stress is high in either the family or the work situation.

Each such labels as the “patient,” the “frail one,” the “sick one,” the “problem,” the “irresponsible one”.

Have difficulty showing their strong, competent side to intimate others.

Overfunctioners

Know what’s best not only for themselves but for others as well.

Move in quickly to advise, rescue, and take over when stress hits.

Have difficulty staying out and allowing others to struggle with their own problems.

Avoid worrying about their own personal goals and problems by focusing on others.

Have difficulty sharing their own vulnerable, under-functioning side, especially with those people who as viewed as having problems.

May be labeled the person who is “always reliable” or “always together.”

Blamers

Respond to anxiety with emotional intensity and fighting.

Have a sort fuse.

Expend high levels of energy trying to change someone who does not want to change.

Engage in repetitive cycles of fighting that relieve tension but perpetuate the old pattern

Hold another person responsible for one’s own feelings and actions.

See others as the sole obstacle to making changes.

Pursuers

React to anxiety by seeking greater togetherness in a relationship.

Place a high value on talking thigs out and expressing feelings, and believe others should do the same.

Feel rejected and take it personally when someone close to them wants more time and space alone or away from relationship.

Tend to pursue harder and then coldly withdraw when an important person seeks distance.

May negatively label themselves as “too dependent” or “too demanding “ in a relationship.

Tend to criticize their partner as someone who can’t handle feelings or tolerate closeness.

Distancers

Seek emotional distance or physical space when stress is high.

Consider themselves to be self-reliant and private persons – more “do it yourselfers” then help-seekers.

Have difficulty showing their needy, vulnerable, and dependent sides.

Receive such labels as “emotionally unavailable,” “withholding,” “unable to deal with feelings,” from significant others.

Manage anxiety in personal relationships by intensifying work-related projects.

May cut off a relationship entirely when things get intense, rather than hanging in and working it out.

Open up most freely when they are not pushed or pursued.

Upon looking at this list I thought "Is it possible to be at least two, if not more, of these at once??" hahaha!! I feel like I am FOR SURE I'm an Underfuctioner and an Overfunctioner. lol! I'm a MESS!!

I don't handle anxiety well, I get hiccups for days, muscle twitches, eventually I crumble in to a mess. My job is probably the most stressful thing I've ever done. These last 2.5 years have been really rough and I do more than I ever should. I am not educated in HR, Finance, IT, Legal or Sales yet those are just a few of the departments I am in charge of, terrifyingly.

I have never been one to take on responsibility or stress and I've inherited this crazy level of stress and don't really know how to leave cause they pay me well (not as well as I should be for all the things I do, but more than I've ever made before). I have a constant sense of eminent failure and dread that I am somehow screwing up something so major that it ruins this company. It's pretty horrible but I don't know how to leave it. Especially now that I've begun this medical diet covered by my insurance.

The reason I'm talking about my work is because it is the biggest stressor in my life. Everyday is hard to come in, feeling like I'm on the edge of failure constantly. And with being off of food and going through this really big deal and changing my life, I have less ability to handle the stress. Just in the past two weeks I've almost (or actually did) cried several times, have had the hiccups for hours or days and my muscle are bunched up like rocks. The worse it gets, the more I want to have something to eat - my way of numbing my feelings, my drug.

So how do I deal with this, 0 readers? How do I learn how to handle my job, make the changes need? How do I reduce my stress? I don't know. Part of the problem is once I get overwhelmed I shut down (Underfunctioner) and that is the situation I am in now. I have a million things to do, can't focus on any of them and just turn my eye. Soon the mountain will crumb onto my head. That's the crux of my stress. Fear. Fear of failure and hiding from that fear by procrastinating. I feel like, if I could get past this and just get my work done I would be able to release this stress.

I don't know 0 readers, can I fix more than one thing in my life at one time? lol! I am clearly being an Underfunctioner right now. What about you?