Day 218 - Week 31

Well HAPPY HOLIDAY'S ZERO READERS!!! It's been an up and down year. Lots of worry and stress and hard work and success and happiness and miracles. It's been a HUGE year for me.

At this point I have lost 113.6 lbs! I probably have about 50 lbs to go...ALMOST THERE!!! WOO HOO!

It hasn't been easy, I've been exhausted, hungry, elated, disappointed, worried, excited, motivated, eager, impatient, surprised and over all just really happy with this diet. It's gone so quickly, without surgery or any of those expensive alternatives.

I went through that Chew and Spit stage, the 100% commitment stage and currently I'm in the "I know I am close to my goal but I can't help but have this almond, popcorn, veggie". Yet I keep losing weight. I've made good choices on my "cheating" and have really stuck to this plan.

I saw my sister for the first time last weekend and she was THRILLED! She was so happy. She said as we were shopping "I keep looking for you and three times I saw you and didn't recognize you as my Chopper!" lol!

My niece sent me this amazing letter for thanksgiving that was so touching:

I know it's a little hard to read but this is probably one of the most touching things I've ever gotten. So special. I love my niece and to think I've had that kind of impact on her fills my heart with so much love and warmth and pride. It makes my hard work so much more worth it. My niece wants me around for her life, losing this weight was so necessary for so many reasons. 

I walked through San Francisco last weekend, up hill after hill after hill and it was EASY! I LOVED moving so swiftly and freely.

Most people who know or love me really feel like this will change my life, and in many ways it will. I can move so much easier now, I want to go for walks and run around and enjoy moving my body SOO much!! I enjoy dancing so much now!! And I can't wait to walk down the boardwalk this summer!! But I have always done everything I want to do and while I was very much overweight, I was never NOT me. It won't change who I am, it will just allow me to move more freely around the world. I always have traveled and now traveling will be easier.

I am very happy with my success and I SO look forward to the next steps which will be getting me back on food. That will start in about 3 months!

So Merry Christmas and Seasons Greetings my Zero Readers! I don't do to a New Years Resolution...I'm living one!

Day 141, Week 20 Completed yesterday!!

Wow, so much has happened. I've just been doing my thing, I've experienced a major life crisis with my best friend and roommate being in an accident in which she had to be revived and medivac'd out. I've been dealing with my sisters crisis which hasn't ended as well as dealing with extreme work pressure. And finally I've had to deal with my liver freaking out because I was losing too much weight so I've had to add a 6th shake in each day and have at least on plate of lettuce a week.

But through all of that I have stayed on my diet and as of last week I have lost 86 lbs!! That is 4.3 lbs per week on average! Not my 5 lbs I really want as my results, but I can't complain really. I've dropped so many sizes, I am now ordering size 16/18 for my next "Step Down" set of clothes and am excited since I think I have only 5 to 6 more months to go!! :)

So that's my update. Sorry my Zero Readers that my posting is not more frequent, but life keeps getting in the way...

Day 110

Hello!! Long time no see! I didn't post anything cause nothing was happening but weight loss and working out...and summer of course!

I am now at 71 lbs lost as of last Wednesday's weigh-in.

I have dropped down to at size 1X now!! Woo hoo!!

I think I still have another 100lbs to go.

I have cheated 3 times now. I didn't have any food one day, was out and forgot my packets and was unable to go home to get it so I ordered the Asian Salad Wrap w/chicken from Togo's - their lowest calorie/carb menu item - and had half of that. It was AWESOME! hahaha!!

I had 2 bites of garlic bread that I made for friends and even swallowed it! lol! (remember in the beginning I would chew and spit something from time to time)

I had 3 almonds one night.

I feel horrible for having cheated but at the same time I don't hate myself for it, kind of proud that I've done so well.

I've started riding roller-coasters!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's so exciting! We have gone to the boardwalk twice now since I thought I could ride the rides again, it's been great!

Saw friends I hadn't seen in forever and they were floored!

I am less upset at pictures of myself but I still have a large mount of weight to lose. I'm enjoying the results of my current loss, but need to keep focused. I'm not "skinny" yet, never will be really, and even though people are applying that term to me, it's only relative to where I was to where I am now, not an accurate description of me compared to most people.

I am really happy with what I've done but now am going to step up my gym time. Today I am graduating from working out in the pool to working out on the machines. I'm ready for the higher impact/harder work outs. Yea!!

I am completing my 15th week on the diet, my current weightleos is 4.7 lbs per week. I'd like to raise that average by 1 lb and to do that I need to step it up these next few months. I want to lose my next 100 in 20 weeks lol!

That's most of it for now, exciting things like I got to buy a souvenir sweatshirt that fit - hadn't been able to do that for years! My legs are looking skinnier, I can fit a seat-belt all the way to the latch and still have room! I can move so much easier and doing work stuff is so much better now that I can move more freely - have to build furniture all the time, or carry stuff for meetings or deal with the HVAC and movement is so much better. I have more energy and am excited to do things and not mortified to go out in public!

I look forward to doing things that keep me moving, that's the most exciting part - how much fun I'm having moving and burning calories. Knowing that it's fun and healthy really is great, it's so new for me!

Day 71 - Week 10 Completed yesterday!!

ALERT!! ALTER!! ALERT 0 Readers, ALERT!!

As of yesterday I lost 4.8 lbs for a total of 51 lbs in 10 weeks!! WOO HOO!! That's 70 days of hard work, of perseverance and of sacrifice and hunger.  lol!

So I am part of the way through, and it feels great.

I will try going back into the pool on Saturday, hopefully all goes well and I will be swimming every night starting Monday!

That is all for today 0 Readers. I am coming up with some more ideas of things to blog about. Hurdles I am trying to solve like: How do I find time to create delicious low carb meals for Breakfast Lunch and Dinner when I get up at 6:30 AM and get home after 9:00 PM every day? So I am trying to come up with some solutions and ideas. I will post about them when I more formulated than just "WTF am I suppose to do???" lol!

Day 68, not much news

So I lost 2.4 lbs last week, I weigh-in tomorrow but don't expect too much more than that this week either. Not able to swim every night really puts a hamper on things and now - since I've increased my walking to offset not swimming - my hip bursa, mostly on the right, are swollen and painful. Treatment? Rest. lol! OF COURSE! lol! Of course it's rest. lol! Which I am not doing. I am still walking but icing and taking ibuprofen for the swelling/pain.

Just funny that this happens now. of course!!

Anyway, that's the story, nothing much, just doing my shakes, my walking and getting the thing DONE! lol!

I've had lots of great responses now that I've told most of my close family and friends. Of course. I expected they would all be so happy, relieved and excited. It's been great but I really needed to wait until I knew I could really do this.

I've started trying to retrain my brain a little. When I get that starving feeling, the kind where a shake just won't take the edge off,  I search healthy meals, salads, dishes and look at them, read the instructions, etc. I'm trying to train my brain to crave those things so that when I can eat food again and I get hungry, I want the citrus salad or the grilled fish with fresh herbs and garden salad with oil and vinegar.

Who knows if this trick works, but I'm trying everything I can to change my life.

Alright 0 Readers, I will check back in over the next few days. Again, since not much going on except doing the hard, repetitive, daily work, I won't be posting as much. I imagine when I'm in a much closer striking distance to my goal, when I can start shopping for clothes, when I can really see the end, I will post much more. Or when I hit the inevitable plateau and want to scream with frustration and anger. lol!

Day 62

I will obviously be posting less, there is a lot less to discuss or talk about since I am now on a fairly solid routine. These are the middle days. The days were I do the same thing over and over and keep getting good results.

I do have one set back, though for awesome reasons. I had minor work done on my left big toe and am not able to do my swimming exercises for at least a week, may be up to 3 weeks. But I've been waiting so long to get this done, I can deal with a few weeks of slightly lower weight loss results. I think. lol!

I also had a minor brush with almost a bad situation. Constipation! lol! So as we've maybe or maybe not discussed, one of the frequently mentioned side effects of this diet with the shakes is constipation. It hasn't been a problem for me since I'm on Metformin which has a side effect of the exact opposite situation. lol! Anyway, last week (Wednesday) my doc asked me if I was ready to try and go off the metformin and see how my blood sugars go. Prior to that I was in Tahoe and on that Monday I had a serious case of the runs and had to take Imodium before the long drive back.

Well...flash forward to Wednesday, no bowel movement since Monday but I wasn't concerned at that point - hand't thought of it really, doc asks me if I want to go off of the Metformin I say yes!! So the next day (Thursday) I stop taking metformin. On Friday I have the minor work done on my toe. With constant questions of "How are your sugars?" "Do you have your blood glucose under control?" - they wanted to make sure my sugars were fine so that my healing would go smoothly. I said yes, not even thinking I had actually gone off my medication.

So I had the work done and on Saturday, after reviewing my numbers - all great except that they are in the "pre-diabetic" ranges - I decided to take my metformin again to make sure the healing goes OK. I took the meds on Saturday, on Sunday and then on Monday, after my 3rd dose, the "damn" broke and I was finally moving my bowels again! lol!

I was so worried that I would not get everything moving in time for my weigh in! lol! Isn't I wasn't worried about my health, I was worried about my weight loss! lol!

So the two things to take from this:

1.  My blood glucose numbers are dropping and I might just be able to reverse my type 2 Diabetes
2.  Life gets a lot more complicated the more medical stuff you have going on! lol!

Anyway, that's what I have for you. May or may not post tomorrow, but will post Thursday (Day 64) to provide my probably not stellar weight loss results for this week.

Day 57

ALERT! ALERT! Alert 0 Readers, ALERT! I lost 7.4 lbs, which means I've lost 9.8 lbs in 14 days and a total of 44 lbs in 56 days (or 8 weeks) SO AWESOME!

I'm very happy. I finally looked at myself in a full length mirror and was STUNNED at the difference, it's so crazy! I still have a long, long way to go, but MAN does it feel good.

My doc also asked if I wanted to drop the metformin to see if my blood sugar is OK now...finger crossed! It will take a few days to get the metformin out of my system and then we will see!!

Ok, back to the grind!!

Day 56 - Week 8 COMPLETED

Wow! 8 WEEKS!! This is really awesome! I think I am going to register a 7 lb loss from last Tuesday to today. I lost 2.4 lbs from Thursday two weeks ago to the following Monday, so that would be - if my 7 lbs guess is right - 9.4 lbs in 2 weeks!! WOO HOO!! I LOVE THIS!!

Also, I am now in my 1st set of step down clothes!!! I am fitting into the smaller clothes and it feels great! My mobility increases every day. I'm working out Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, active/dancing/running around with friends on Friday and Saturday and then rest on Wednesdays and Sundays.

One of the ladies in my group was acting as if I'm being obsessive about my working out, but I think she's being defensive cause she's only losing like .5 to 1.5 lbs per week. At first I was like "Am I being obsessive?" and then I realized - even if I am, that's OK! lol! I'm not I don't think, but even if I am that is fine. Of all the times for me to obsess over working out, now's the time people!!

Ok, so, 8 weeks in, maybe it's time to post what I looked like when I started and what I look like now...Damn this is scary! lol! I hope none of my 0 Readers are stalkers! hahah! ;)

DAY 01

Day 55

(Notice, the same shirt! lol!) 

Well, wish me luck tonight 0 Readers...I hope to get great news!

Day 55

I am back from my vacation 0 Readers and MAN did I have a great time! Went to South Lake Tahoe, won some money, did a lot of walking, went to the lake, slept in...it was perfect!!

I did a last minute weigh-in on Monday night, registered a 2.6 lb loss from Thursday to Monday. Not a lot but good I guess. I wanted more of course but was very busy and only able to work on Thursday due to plans on Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

I am hoping to register a big weight loss after my very active vacation!

So, let's see...I ate lettuce, cucumbers and red wine vinegar, god was it amazing!! lol! The flavors tasted like a rainbow. The lettuce was SOOO sweet! I cleared this with my doctor before the vacation. It was a special dinner and I wanted to eat something.

I start working out again today, weigh-in tomorrow and then Weds & Thrus. at the gym, Friday night swimming with the friends. And Saturday too!

Trying to keep busy, loving my clothes getting bigger and bigger. Love my seat belt having more and more room, love feeling lighter and moving more easily! I am keeping all my goals in sight and just keep persevering!!

Talk to you later, 0 Readers!!

Day 47

Well 0 Readers, it's full on summer, though not really that hot where I live, but my summer schedule is jamming and that is why I am not posting as much for 0 of you to read. I go to my weigh-in early this week, tonight actually, because I am leaving tomorrow evening for 5.5 days! So excited!!

I am also just putting my nose to the grindstone and working and working out. That is why I haven't posted much too, because there isn't much to report.

What I can report - every day doing 2 hours at the gym gets easier and easier, by Saturday of this week I was physically sore, 9 days of working out and finally a day of rest. But I'm building muscle, burning fat, my sugars are right on target. Everything is going really well.

How are my food cravings you ask? Less, much much less. Everyone asks me if I still want food - YES! lol! I do! I don't think we ever stop wanting food.

Anyway, that's all for now. I will report in my truncated weight-loss results tomorrow after tonight's weigh-in.

Day 43

ALERT! ALERT!! ALERT 0 READERS!!! I lost 5.8 lbs this past week!!! WOO HOOO!!!

This means my exercise is really paying off!! So excited!!

Not really much to write, I am staying on the program, my blood work keeps coming back looking really good, I'm drinking all my water, doing 5 shakes a day and extremely stressed with work. lol!

Emotionally I'm on a roller coaster, I'm hoping that levels out soon. I guess with not eating food and using it as a crutch, I'm having to deal with my emotions more. SUCKS! lol!

Anyway, great day, great week. So happy!

See you later 0 Readers!!

DAY 41

Happy Tuesday 0 Readers!! I'm sorry I didn't write yesterday, my boss was back from his 2.5 week vacation and I was in emotional hiding. lol! I did as little as possible. Man, I am just a HORRIBLE employee. But you know what I'm good at now? Being active!!!

I worked out for 1 hr and 45 mins yesterday at the pool! I feel so great getting this stuff done. I also cheated and weighed myself at the gym...I think I've lost 5 lbs since last Wednesday!! WOO HOO!! If that's true - and I won't know till my official weigh-in - than I have hit my goal for the week and this just proves my hard work and commitment are paying off!

I just love my gym, two pools, really nice people and now I know that I can do this. So happy!! I slept like a log last night. lol! My house is a mess, my room is a mess, my car is a mess, have to clean that up on Wednesday night. I can't exercise on Wednesday cause I have my weight-loss meetings but I will do all that cleaning and it should make up for it.

I have girls Bunco on Friday night at my place so I can't work out that night, but I plan on pumping some tunes and getting the house dancing!!

So, regarding the Chewing and Spitting thing I was doing, I have great news!! So this weekend when I was all alone I could have gone totally Chew and Spit wild, but I didn't!! I kept thinking about what the food looked like afterwards - disgusting beyond belief -and had no desire to do it!! This is exciting, this means that I can move past that faze in this process.

On Friday night after a lot of swimming and dancing, I decided to take a picture of my face and compare it to a picture I took on the day I started the diet....OMG!! It's so much different! I was stunned! Although, My 5head (a really big forehead) is looking so much larger now because my big old cheeks had taken away from the massive wall that is the top of my face. lol! Oh well, I'll live with it 0 Readers, I'll live with it...somehow! lol!

Nothing else exciting right now, just doing my water, shakes, work, exercise and getting really excited with my results.

Day 37

Happy Friday 0 Readers!!

I went to the gym pool yesterday and worked out for almost two hours. I stared getting leg and foot cramps so I got out but it felt GREAT!!

I got home to find my Hydro-Fit equipment came in, oh happy day!! This equipment is amazing, it's aerobic, resistance training with almost 0 impact on joints. It's so great for the back too. I am really looking forward to this.

I took the instruction book to work, scanned the pages, printed it out double sided, slid pages into plastic page protectors, stuck them in a 3 ring binder and created a workout workbook so I can do all the exercises. Than I put really funny binder covers on the front and back:

Hahaha!! I just love these! The Vintage workout pictures crack me up but the second page just makes me smile so much.

And the last picture says:

"Food is the most widely abused anti-anxiety drug in America and Exercise is the most potent yet underutilized antidepressant." 

That resonates with me deeply. I know for sure that I used food to sooth my nerves on many occasions and to numb my emotions maybe daily. I never thought I could really change that, but I think for the first time in my life I AM changing that issue and it feels great.

So tonight I will do my first workout routine based on the training booklet and will let you know how I do. I My target is 3 hours of workout a day. That's the only way I am gonna hit extreme numbers in short time.

Happy Weekend Zero Readers!!

Day 36

ALERT! ALERT!! Alert 0 Readers! ALERT! I've lost 6 more lbs in the last two weeks, that comes to a total of 28.4. Believe it or not, I'm slightly disappointed. I wanted to lose 10 lbs. My new workout plan should up my numbers, but I don't like this 3 lbs per week thing. I'm sacrificing too much to see numbers like those.

So I signed up for the gym today and will be going tonight.

Honestly though, everyone keeps reinforcing how good I am doing. The Doc said "You're boring, your numbers are perfect, everything is going great. You can exercise more, but everything is going really well." lol! I think he thinks I'm crazy. Honestly, the only one who really gets it is that mega bitch from my 3rd week, the woman who showed up and wanted nothing to do with any of us. She said "I get it, the faster you lose the faster you reach your goal and can move on with your life". And that's the truth.

The gym I joined is MEGA! It has hundreds of machines and each machine has their own TV, they have all these free classes, two pools, yoga, masseuse, sauna, everything! So excited to start tonight.

Ok 0 Readers, that's it for now! Wish me luck!

Day 35 - Week 5 Complete!

Weigh-in day!! I'm prepping myself for an 5 lb loss. 2.5 lbs per week. If this is the case I'm gonna have to triple my working out.

And in that vein...I've signed up with a local community center with both an indoor and outdoor pool! I will be swimming everyday, getting in lots of exercise. I love to swim so this is perfect!

I think that one of the side effects of begin so open about what I am doing is having so many people want to know how my progress is going. I have some asking me how much I want to lose, what my final goal is, etc. I've managed to avoid answering them - some things stay private. But it's odd to have people ask those questions. Part of me wants to say "How much do YOU weigh?" lol! But that's not fair, they aren't putting their weight and weight-loss plan on display for everyone to discuss. Doesn't stop it from being uncomfortable though.

I am really excited to start going to the gym and swimming everyday. I want to see my weight loss numbers go up, 2.5 - 3 lbs a week just isn't enough considering I don't eat anything anymore. I need those numbers to be at 5 lbs per week.

So, I need to confess...I did the chew and spit thing again. I did it yesterday, Monday and then last Tuesday. Yesterday it was a McD's cheeseburger & fries. Monday it was wheat thins and dip, last Tuesday was bean burrito. Chew chew chew....spit - GROSS! But so good! Chew chew chew...spit - GROSS!! But so good! lol! That's my mantra as I'm doing it.

Yes, I know it's bad, I know it's not healthy, but I also know that I don't want to SWALLOW the food either. But to taste it! OMG! so awesome. And it's funny with each food I do it with, I have no more desire for that food because all I can remember is what it looked like after I spit it out. lol! I'm not advocating this, I know this is bad. I'm simply being honest about my process and how I'm managing to get through it.

Last night after work I went home, did my secretive Chew/Spit thing, then went into my room and watched TV. I tried to keep moving, I used my hand weights and just kept my legs moving.

I also need to fast for 4 hours before my appointment tonight, so I will be one hunger girl tonight in our meeting! lol! Wish me luck 0 Readers!

Day 34

Hello 0 Readers! I've returned from my wonderful 4th mini vacation in South Lake Tahoe! I am $1200 richer and hopefully a little lighter! I walked around every day, my friends and I had a great time, I was able to deal with not eating food and really enjoyed my time!!

I avoided going out to eat this time but might not be able to avoid it next time. I had lots of cravings of course. My friends mother asked me if it was hard with them eating and I said "I will always want to eat regular food and I will always want to be eating what you or others are eating when I am on this fasting diet. It's never not there." and that is the TRUTH 0 Readers.

But now I crave healthy things too, like a salad with blue cheese and beets. Or black beans and rice. Always Avocado. lol! I crave fruits and veggies - I've always loved vegetables. Just everything. I find myself missing meals more than snacks though. So that's good!

When were were at Mont Bleu I went swimming every day - it was so nice! I ran into an older lady who had these HydroFit workout things. I've already purchased a set and am going to enroll at a gym with a pool and start doing it everyday - I felt great!

My walking is getting better, faster, easier!

I have my weigh-in tomorrow. First in two weeks. I'm afraid I only lost 5 lbs even though I moved so much more, I hate that my weight loss numbers are slowing down so fast. I am upping my activity so I hope that helps. I want to be done in a year!

Day 29, Happy 4th of July!!

So I had to post as I'm waiting to see the fireworks at South Lake Tahoe. I'm reminded of 18 months ago when I saw the fireworks here and I was brought to tears because I truly believed I wouldn't live to see them again. What a joyous day for me today, 0 readers, as I am living in a new reality now. Happy Independence Day 0 readers, as I celebrate my own newly believed in future!!!

Day 27

ALERT!! ALERT!!! ALERT 0 READERS!! ALERT!!! I had my first "skinny" dream!!!! I was dreaming about hanging out with some girl friends on a trip and we were shopping and I found all these cute tops and then I was RUNNING ahead of them to burn some calories. Later I saw a reflection of myself in a mirror, I was wearing an AWESOME red jacket with some major flair around the collar,  I was probably a size 8 - 10. lol! I looked so cute!!! lol! I had skinny legs, was very active and it was so exciting!!

I woke up, was stretching and opening my eyes when I realized what I had just been dreaming, it was wonderful! I almost logged on and started telling all of you, my 0 readers!! lol!

What a HUGE thing, to actually dream and kind of experiencing my body being smaller, so cool...LOVED it! I woke up feeling so happy.

There are times when I think my desire for food, real food, is gonna ruin everything. I have really hard days - to not eat any food but only drink liquids for an indefinite period of time not knowing when you can eat again - it's hard, really hard. Especially for someone with food issues. As they say at the weight-loss clinic - nobody got to this point because of hunger. The drive for food is unbelievably strong. I'm sure there are people out there who don't understand or get it, who judge people who are fat very harshly. But they don't understand the addiction, the mind messes with us. I almost feel like obesity is a mental disorder rather than a physical disease. I feel like the mental disorder manifests with a physical symptom, but the problem is in the brain.

Having a dream like I did, it's the first time my brain has started living in a new reality for me. As far as I am concerned, this dream was more important than the 22.2 lbs I've lost. This is monumental. I can start really seeing a different future, and my unconscious mind is catching up. To feel a thinner, more active body, to run with easy joy, to casually catch my reflection in a mirror and see myself thin in a dream. That's huge! I feel really good today knowing that the changes are happening inside, not just out.

It's a WONDERFUL day 26, my 0 readers...WONDERFUL!!

Day 26

It was a HOT weekend 0 readers! Thank god I don't live in/near/within 200 miles of death valley! lol! I spent the whole time in a pool so I have nothing to complain about. It was paradise.

And my suit was loose too, so that was nice. Getting to see real change. :D

I've gone ahead and purchased a thermos that will keep my water at the hot temperature for 24 hours so I can use it to make my hot chocolate shakes. I feel like this, combined with taking two - 1 lt bottles with me will be perfect. That way I know I have everything I need for a whole day away from everything. Well, except a bathroom. ha!

I'm going to Tahoe for the 4th of July, excited to be up there. Will be doing lots of walking and fun times! Hope I win when we go gambling!!

Speaking of going out, this will be the first time I am possibly going out to eat since starting this. I will make my chocolate shake but I'm not gonna lie, it will suck not being able to eat.

My motivation is good this week, I really want to lose a lot of weight for my two week weigh-in. My goal is to drop 12 lbs. Might not be really realistic, but I'm gonna try.

Some of my smaller clothes have come in, I tried on the first step down size but they are still a little bit too tight. VERY close, but not ready yet.

Yesterday I wanted a McDonald Hash brown so bad and then later at night I wanted a cheesesteak so bad. lol! I am craving the WORST foods! Sometimes I crave just veggies and always avocado, but hash browns and cheesesteaks? lol! My brain sucks!

I still can't get a handle on my afternoon hunger, the cravings are horrible. I hope I can get over this soon.

Ok 0 readers, gonna be a short week. Just one more blog and then none until Tuesday (the 9th).

Day 23

HAPPY FRIDAY!!!! YES! It is finally here! WOO HOO!!!

This is gonna be a hot weekend, record temps everywhere and so I plan on swimming the whole weekend, racking up lots of exercise. :D

Today I want to talk about how we try to negotiate with ourselves or bribe our selves into doing what we know we shouldn't.

One of the hardest temptations I encounter are of my own making. I start to get hungry, I think about food, what I like. I begin trying to tell myself I can just buy, chew and spit. Or, if I eat just one of this or that it will be fine. I consider how I could get away with doing some form of diet cheating.

I am my own worst enemy. These attempts at self sabotage, the inability to fully let go of my need for food, taste , texture, is baffling. Technically I am not starving, my body is receiving enough nutrients. Yes, well below the calorie intake needed to maintain my weight, but that's necessary for rapid weight loss. But WHY do we do this? Why do we, or me specifically, try to talk myself into doing something that I've consciously decided to not do?

This internal battle can be exhausting! It's draining to spend hours thinking about food, constantly having thoughts on how to get around my died and still taste the food. It almost feels like a form of obsession. The longer I do this the more I wonder how drug addicts really get clean. The human mind tries whatever it can to convince us to do what it/we want despite our conscious effort not to take that action.

Of course, if this were EASY nobody would be fat or addicted to drugs. lol!

Anyway, those are my deep thoughts for the day, 0 readers, I hope you have a fun, shady, cool weekend.

Day 22

Alert 0 readers!! Alert!! Alert!! I lost 3.8 lbs this week!! Add in the previous 2 weeks and I have a total of 22.2 lbs lost in 3 weeks!! WOO HOOO! So exciting!!

Also, because it's "that time of the month" for me, they said I probably am retaining about 2 lbs of water weight, so by next week that should drop off again.

I'm going to Tahoe for the 4th of July weekend so I won't be doing a weigh-in next week. Which means I'm hoping for a 8 to 10 lb loss over these next two weeks!! :) I will be VERY active in Tahoe and expect to burn a lot of calories and drop a lot of weight.

So another great week of results from my hard work!

Let's talk about shoes!! My feet are shrinking, and it's happening rapidly!! I used to wear slip-on's but now my feet are swimming in them. This is fantastic! But it also means I am reverting back to being a sneaker wearer. lol! I can't tell you how great it feels to put my foot into a sneaker now and just tie it up and go. After wearing my slip-on's for weeks now, the shoes were starting to rattle around my foot and it felt dangerous.

Honestly, I look forward to getting to buy new shoes! lol!

You know what I'm most excited about? Being able to wear heels again. Wearing heals when extremely over weight is just a bad idea. Sure, some stars can do it, but I promise you they only have them on for photo ops. Cause think about the PSI for a 3 in heel! Not to mention if you trip/fall/twist ankle falling down can be so dangerous. Even a shorty like me has to worry. For me, a huge benchmark will be being able to wear cute, strappy heels again. That's a good 6 to 10 months away, but still...goals sweetie, goals!

My FitBit One arrived and I have it all set. I really like this so much more than the other one I had. Just better all around. I like how it's easy, small and excited to try out the sleep app stuff.

That's all for today 0 readers! My boss is out of town so I'm relaxed at work, I've got my Tahoe plans for next week and only plan on working 2.5 days. My sister is doing better every day and that is a huge relief. All in all, the week is gonna end on a high note. Till tomorrow 0 readers!!!

Day 21...Completion of my 3rd week!! WOO HOO!!

Well 0 readers, it was an easy and hard week. Easy diet wise, hard emotionally. In the past I would have eaten so many calories during this time. I would have shoved meats, cheeses and bread down the gullet, and part of me still wants to, but no frakking WAY. All this hard work will not go in vain.

My sister is doing better every day, but it's a waiting game for like 15 days until her doctor is back in town. I talk to her every day, keep it light and happy. Check in with my niece and brother-in-law as well. Making plans for late July. This will be ok...it has to.

You know, during Sunday after that call with my sister in crying hysterics, it was the first time since our father died that I really really needed him and didn't know what to do. I knew that if Dad were still around, he would know exactly what to do to help Anne. He would know what to say and how to calm her down.

When she was 6 my mom shut the van door on her fingers. She was crying in pain, holding her fingers sobbing. My father carefully put her in the car, every movement produced a yelp from her. He tells her to wait one minute, runs back inside and grabs a can of Orange Soda fresh out of the fridge. He takes her hand and gently cradles her hurt fingers around the soda and then popped the top and said "Here Peanut, Now you can sooth your fingers and your belly." and off they went to the hospital to check out her hand.

The smile on my sisters face was electric. He could have put an ice pack on it, he could have just driven to the hospital. He was a doctor, he could have handled it at home. But he knew just what to do to help my sister and how to calm her down. I wish a cold Orange Soda could help her now. :( Miss you Dad!

So...on to happy stuff, today is my weigh-in!! I'm thinking my number will be below 5 lbs for two reasons. 1. My Chew and Spit experiment. 2. I have my period this week and feel a little bloated, probably retaining water. But as long as it's a drop in weight I will be happy!! I really hope that it's, at the least, over 2, that way I can say I've lost 20 lbs in three weeks! haha!!

Work is going better too, realizing that work stress was causing so much of my food cravings so I spent all weekend catching up. This week has been SOO much better stress wise and I'm on top of things again. Plus the boss just left for 18 days, so Happy Days are here again!!

This next week is gonna have to be when I start really exercising. I'm gonna try the exercise program on my TV (Samsung Smart TV has exercise apps  - cool, huh?) and my Wii Fit.

I also got a FitBit for my step tracking. The other one I got was OK, but it didn't communicate with my phone or tell me calories burned or any of that fun stuff, so I'm getting an upgrade.

Alrighty 0 readers, Here's to a good number for my 3rd week!!!

Day 20

0 readers, it's been a hard couple of days. Worry for my sister is extremely high. Fortunately I've spoken with her several times and she seems to be stabilizing but her doctor is out for two weeks so she has to wait to see her. This is upsetting but doable.

Now, onto the next thing, you know how I came up with that GREAT idea to chew and spit out...apparently that can turn into an eating disorder??? WHAT?? Oh lord, I'm screwed! lol! I really thought my brilliant plan as brilliant. It satisfied the cravings, I haven't been dying for any of my favorites now and can easily move past the need for crunch, salt, taste, food, whatever. So...crap! lol! I don't know. I can't promise I won't do it again while on this diet. I am probably going to be off of food for a year, I will probably need to do this again in order to avoid actually cheating on the diet and eating - which, BTW, makes you intolerant to eating solid food so once I'm ready to ween myself off, I have to slowly introduce food again over like three weeks.

What to do, what to do!! Oh the adventures of extreme weight-loss and dealing with food addiction!! :(

So, fun stuff!!

My clothes are starting to get loose and I am faced with the idea that soon I will need to go down in sizes.

First, let me promote my absolute FAVORITE shopping site for plus size: www.onestopplus.com this place is a gem. Amazing clothes, so many styles, hip, casual, formal, they have it all and the stuff is NICE and fairly inexpensive as well. I can't tell you how many compliments I've gotten on my outfits since shopping there, it's hard for a fat girl to feel like she's totally fitting in or in style. With this place I have been able to find amazing swimsuits, casual clothes, jeans, formal. It's awesome.

So what I did was get 10 t-shirts in 2 sizes lower than now and then 4 sizes lower, as well as 2 jeans for each step-down size. I get these really cheap and easy to figure out. I didn't want to spend much on my transition wardrobe and right now have only spent a little over 200 for 26 shirts and 4 jeans. Can't beat that price 0 readers!!!

I do my weigh-in tomorrow, hoping for another 5 lb loss, we will see if my chew and spit theory effected my weight-loss, I sure hope not! (obviously, lol!)

I'm tired, 0 readers. It's been a hard few days. If I was still able to drink, I would go have one tonight! lol!

Day 19

Well 0 readers it was a weird weekend. Since this is anonymous and I don't have any readers or plan on sharing this with anyone I know, let me tell you what really happened this weekend.

#1.  I tried something drastic.

As you know I've been struggling with my cravings so much. So, on my first weekend alone, I decided to do something pretty gross but effective. I bought some of the food I was craving, bit into it, chewed the delicious foods and then spit it out into a bowl. I did this three times. Once on Friday and twice on Saturday. It was amazing! lol! To taste the food, feel the crunch, MMMMM!! Amazing!! lol! The other thing, I know I won't be wanting those foods again because I saw what they looked like after spitting them out! lol! So disgusting!!! I'm sure I absorbed some salt and sugar through my mouth, and maybe a bit of the fat/grease and some bit of carbs went down but overall I ate nothing and tasted all of it. lol! I'm SURE this is not an approved way of dealing with cravings. But it worked. I felt so satisfied. After each episode I crazily brushed my teeth, flossed, etc. Trying to make sure to swallow any calories. Carbs being the biggest fear.

It is also something I don't want to do often, but it was very effective in killing the ever deepening cravings for food.

#2. My sister called me and in a very disturbing conversation I went from relaxed to extremely worried.

Well, since is just me and you, my 0 readers, I can share with you that my sister has been having a very difficult year or so, maybe long. She is struggling with her husband, her dissatisfaction, with feeling like her husband doesn't listen, undermines her with her daughter, etc. She has also been getting more and more upset with my mother. Over the past 1.5 years I have seen her change dramatically. I've tried to get her into counseling, marriage therapy, anything.

I witnessed a horrid fight between my sister and my niece. Something is really wrong and I can't do anything to help. I don't know what to do. On Sunday she called asking if she and my niece could come down, drop her off with me while my sister goes to meet her best friend. I asked a few questions and was met with almost hysterical crying, saying she didn't need the interrogation and then hung up.

I have kind of been in shock/stunned/frozen since them. Stuck because I don't know what to do.  My brother in law just called me and he is scared too, almost had to call the cops on her to take her to the hospital. I'm really scared and not sure what to do. I told him to call his provider immediately and make an emergency appointment for her and beg her to go. This supersedes any diet stuff and just terrifies me. Also worries me because our mother had a breakdown around her age and left us. I'm scared for my sister, my niece and my brother-in-law.

I did not feel the urge to eat, I felt the urge to clean and found myself just stopped sometimes and staring, caught worrying. 0 readers, this is scary stuff.

Day 16

Well 0 readers, it's FRIDAY!!! Woo hoo!! I'm so happy the end of the week is here! It's beautiful out, no plans this weekend so lots of putzing around the house, setting up my Wii Fit and generally trying to resist the urge to let myself eat. It's gonna be hard, all afternoon I've been thinking about burgers, fried chicken, etc.

I have no words of wisdom today, I'm more about not giving in to the cravings, staying on top of my shakes so I don't get too hungry and don't start wanting other things.

Being alone is when I eat the most. I get whatever I want and just go at it. I'm sure I have some kind of eating disorder. The problem is I could never be the kind that makes you skinny!! lol! I hate throwing up and I dislike exercise. lol! Whoops!

I'm not trying to make fun of other people's eating disorders, I'm just kind of making fun of myself for having one that doesn't keep you skinny.

I don't know how to deal with this constant craving (isn't that a KD Lang song?) and I'm afraid that if I can't get a handle on this I'm gonna blow up again after ending the diet. Or even fail at this one before I'm done. Almost feel like a junkie jonesing. It's rough.

Anyway, I'm excited for my weekend alone, I plan on dancing stupid to a few of my favorite songs, to keep up my calorie burning. Speaking of...I keep forgetting my pedometer at home. So I'm having a hard time keeping track of my steps. Ends up you need to WEAR it in order to USE it. lol!

Have a good weekend 0 readers!! I may just post this weekend since I'll be living the leisure life for two days. :D

Day 15

Alert!! Alert!!! 2nd Week Weight-loss results are in!!! 5.2 lbs!!! WOO HOOO!! That's a total of 18.4 in two weeks. Keeping in mind that probably 5 of those pounds last week was water weight after cutting out all the salt. But either way, 18.4 lbs DOWN! WOO HOOO!!!

I was hoping for a higher number, but the folks at the clinic told me to shut up! ahaha! That 5 was the perfect number. lol! So I will TAKE it!

Another successful week completed. Awesome news!!

So in this last meeting (there is a group meeting with our therapist after our weigh-in's and drawing blood they test us every two weeks to make sure we aren't damaging our organs or body) we talked about how we deal with our emotions and stress. She passed out a sheet that had 5 Styles of managing Anxiety:

Underfunctioners

Tend to have several areas where they just can’t get organized.

Become less competent under stress, thus inviting others to take over

Tend to develop physical or emotional symptoms when stress is high in either the family or the work situation.

Each such labels as the “patient,” the “frail one,” the “sick one,” the “problem,” the “irresponsible one”.

Have difficulty showing their strong, competent side to intimate others.

Overfunctioners

Know what’s best not only for themselves but for others as well.

Move in quickly to advise, rescue, and take over when stress hits.

Have difficulty staying out and allowing others to struggle with their own problems.

Avoid worrying about their own personal goals and problems by focusing on others.

Have difficulty sharing their own vulnerable, under-functioning side, especially with those people who as viewed as having problems.

May be labeled the person who is “always reliable” or “always together.”

Blamers

Respond to anxiety with emotional intensity and fighting.

Have a sort fuse.

Expend high levels of energy trying to change someone who does not want to change.

Engage in repetitive cycles of fighting that relieve tension but perpetuate the old pattern

Hold another person responsible for one’s own feelings and actions.

See others as the sole obstacle to making changes.

Pursuers

React to anxiety by seeking greater togetherness in a relationship.

Place a high value on talking thigs out and expressing feelings, and believe others should do the same.

Feel rejected and take it personally when someone close to them wants more time and space alone or away from relationship.

Tend to pursue harder and then coldly withdraw when an important person seeks distance.

May negatively label themselves as “too dependent” or “too demanding “ in a relationship.

Tend to criticize their partner as someone who can’t handle feelings or tolerate closeness.

Distancers

Seek emotional distance or physical space when stress is high.

Consider themselves to be self-reliant and private persons – more “do it yourselfers” then help-seekers.

Have difficulty showing their needy, vulnerable, and dependent sides.

Receive such labels as “emotionally unavailable,” “withholding,” “unable to deal with feelings,” from significant others.

Manage anxiety in personal relationships by intensifying work-related projects.

May cut off a relationship entirely when things get intense, rather than hanging in and working it out.

Open up most freely when they are not pushed or pursued.

Upon looking at this list I thought "Is it possible to be at least two, if not more, of these at once??" hahaha!! I feel like I am FOR SURE I'm an Underfuctioner and an Overfunctioner. lol! I'm a MESS!!

I don't handle anxiety well, I get hiccups for days, muscle twitches, eventually I crumble in to a mess. My job is probably the most stressful thing I've ever done. These last 2.5 years have been really rough and I do more than I ever should. I am not educated in HR, Finance, IT, Legal or Sales yet those are just a few of the departments I am in charge of, terrifyingly.

I have never been one to take on responsibility or stress and I've inherited this crazy level of stress and don't really know how to leave cause they pay me well (not as well as I should be for all the things I do, but more than I've ever made before). I have a constant sense of eminent failure and dread that I am somehow screwing up something so major that it ruins this company. It's pretty horrible but I don't know how to leave it. Especially now that I've begun this medical diet covered by my insurance.

The reason I'm talking about my work is because it is the biggest stressor in my life. Everyday is hard to come in, feeling like I'm on the edge of failure constantly. And with being off of food and going through this really big deal and changing my life, I have less ability to handle the stress. Just in the past two weeks I've almost (or actually did) cried several times, have had the hiccups for hours or days and my muscle are bunched up like rocks. The worse it gets, the more I want to have something to eat - my way of numbing my feelings, my drug.

So how do I deal with this, 0 readers? How do I learn how to handle my job, make the changes need? How do I reduce my stress? I don't know. Part of the problem is once I get overwhelmed I shut down (Underfunctioner) and that is the situation I am in now. I have a million things to do, can't focus on any of them and just turn my eye. Soon the mountain will crumb onto my head. That's the crux of my stress. Fear. Fear of failure and hiding from that fear by procrastinating. I feel like, if I could get past this and just get my work done I would be able to release this stress.

I don't know 0 readers, can I fix more than one thing in my life at one time? lol! I am clearly being an Underfunctioner right now. What about you?

Day 14, Week 2 COMPLETED

Well 0 readers, today is my second weigh in! Hoping for another big number for the weight loss, but will be really happy with 7, satisfied with 5 and disappointed if anything less. I don't think it's less though cause already my clothes are getting a little big on me.

I think this week I'm gonna just get Chocolate shakes. I heat it up and have hot chocolate, which I love. Hope this doesn't turn into a problem like the other flavors.

Have I told you, 0 readers, what the problem is? Well, after having Vanilla, Chocolate and Strawberry this week I am now at the point where I can barely get the strawberry down. The consistency, sweetness, all of it really, it's a no-go now. I just chug it as fast as I can chasing it down with gulp after gulp of water.

The Vanilla is better, but unless it's cold it's consistency is dodgy at best. But a constant win is the Chocolate, so why mess around?

I increased my walking today, not by much but enough to make a small difference. I'm no where CLOSE to 20,000 steps! lol! It's ridiculous! I'm about a quarter of the way, sometimes an 8th. The difficult part is that my job is more sedentary and then I don't have the energy after work to work out and it's hard to wake up early. I will have to make a change soon, probably after work but who knows.

I dread joining a gym. In my mind this is what everyone is thinking "look at that huge woman. OMG! Look at her fat as she moves. Is she gonna break the machine? So disgusting! She should be at home. There is no way what she's doing is gonna make a difference." The idea of working out in front of people is terrifying!! Do any of you feel this way, 0 readers?

I'm going to ask today how much longer this starvation feeling stays. Hopefully it's over within a week or two.

I noticed a little more give in my seat belt today!! :D that made me super happy! And my jeans, I wear tight stretch jeans so I think I will get a little longer use out of them, they are starting to loosen up as well.

Wish me luck, 0 readers! I hope to be reporting back a great number tomorrow!

Day 13

Ok, I made it through yesterday. Shew that was a rough one!! My boss came to my desk and accidentally dropped something on it, he apologized. I said, "Please! You could drop a chicken on this desk and nobody would notice! It's such a mess!!" and he said "A CHICKEN??" lol! I said "I'm hungry Gary, really, really hungry." lol! That pretty much sums up yesterday.

Today I'm just gonna focus on work and try not to think about food and I've already promised myself to not look at food porn anymore! I just have to keep reminding myself.

One issue I'm running into, it ends up that the shake I can get down the easiest is Chocolate. The problem with that is that really only leaves me with one flavor I like. Can I drink one flavor for 6 months, a year? We shall see.

I'll probably update latter today, don't have much for this AM. I think I'm really drained from yesterdays emotional craving/hunger roller coaster.

Day 13...Continued

Well, lunch smells are beginning, facebook posts of pictures of lunch. These little sensory inputs are really rough. I want food so bad at this point. Wow... I want something yummy and crunchy and filled with flavors. Avocado, sauces, salad, chicken. lol! Imma mess people. So sad. I wish this part was not so difficult.

I'm gonna do some research and see if there are any coping tips from other fasting folks.

I might be back....laterz!

Day 12 continued....

I wonder if I'm hitting a peak point in my hunger/craving? The amount of time I'm spending thinking about food is torturous! Oh god, I wish there was some pill I could take that would make this obsessive thinking go away.

But upon reflection, I think this obsessive thinking has always happened for me, at least it has for years. The only difference is I would give into them before. Now they just keep coming non-stop. I might actually ask my weight-loss doc about this. Or would that be trading one addiction for another? Like, is taking Xanex to not think of food trading one "drug" for another?

And another thing relating to this, my non-stop desire to LOOK at food. I'm googling "Chicken and Waffles" or "Best burgers in the world" or "Crispy chicken strips". I've even started looking at food stuff on Pintrest too. Is this part of my illness/obsession??

I make a promise right not to stop looking at "food porn". I think this is part of what is making almost-fasting so hard. Yesterday and today, the two worst days regarding food cravings. This is a real struggle right now. My body and mind want me to go out and get food so bad right now. This sucks!!

I almost started crying at work over a filing/simple thing. I think the truth is I'm just super vulnerable and easily upset right now. I don't have my normal numbing/coping mechanism of food. I just realized I actually have tears on my cheeks right now, yup, I'm going through the rough stuff!

Wish me luck 0 readers, I need it!

Day 12

Well 0 readers my weekend did not go as planned. I had intended to spend Saturday at home alone, cleaning, watching tv, relaxing and not binge eating but staying on my fasting diet. That probably would have gone just fine but one of my best friends ended up in the hospital Saturday AM so I spent all day over at their place and spent the night. He had an ulcer episode, excruciating pain. Poor guy was just wrecked.

So I was not tested on Saturday as I thought I would be. But Sunday proved to be a BITCH in regards to cravings. I don't know if I hit my tipping point but suddenly I couldn't stop thinking about food.

When you aren't eating food and have an extremely restricted diet I imagine it's a bit like starving. I'm not starving, technically, just on the cusp. lol! But it was a rough day. I started bargaining with myself. Thinking, if I just have this one thing once, nobody will know and it will be fine and I probably won't even see a blip on my weight loss. Or, I'll work out a lot and make it OK that I ate it. Or, I can't do this for 6 months let alone a year!!

It was a rough day. And only got worse when my roomie ordered Pizza. I am capitalizing Pizza because it was that important and dominant in my mind. She asked me if it was OK and I told her it was, I wasn't lying. I don't want anyone to not do what they want to do in order to make it easier for me to be on the shake fasting diet. But god damn it was a major challenge.

First I started thinking about Red Robin burgers, than taco bell burrito's - that I don't even LIKE! Then I started thinking that if I only ate tuna salad and plain salads that I could lose just as much weight. The bargaining went on and on. I know I watched TV and did stuff, but my internal conversation was non-stop. Finally I made some veggie bullion broth and sipped that. It helped, but not a ton.

When the Pizza arrived it smell AMAZING, but never fear my 0 readers, I did not break, I did not fail, I did not cheat, I did not bail. I had my shakes, I was a good dieter, in the face of temptation I beat the evil Hunger Bitch!!

I didn't get cleaning done, I still need to do it for a party next week, I'm super stressed with work, I haven't really been doing everything I need to and am behind to a scary degree. But that's the rest of my life and this is only about my weight-loss and gaining my dreams.

So 0 readers, as I approach the conclusion of my 2nd week I want to explain really quickly what I was told about maintaining weight and the implications for weight loss.

My weight loss doctor explained that it takes 14 calories per pound to keep me (not sure if this is for a woman only for either sex) at my weight. Currently I am ingesting about .50 calories per pound. give or take a few tenths as my weight is obviously dropping daily. I've worked out all the numbers and right now I should be losing about 1 lb. per day. As I loose more weight this number drops unless I add in exercise because my intake of calories will be static and my weight will drop so each day it will take a little more calorie burning to maintain a 1 lb/day loss. I shouldn't have to worry about that until week 4 I think.

Although, it should be noted that when the body feels like it's being starved, and it is, the metabolism slows down. This is why exercise is so important, as is eating first thing in the morning to start up the metabolism. Pretty soon I'm gonna have to start waking up early, having a shake and then exercising to get the engine roaring. Thankfully, I'm a few weeks away from that yet. lol!

Have a good day 0 readers. I have started using my pedometer so I will report back my 1st day results tomorrow. The goal is 20,000 steps in a day. I'm at 205 right now. lol!

Day 9

Happy Friday!!!

Well, I am really getting the hang of this stuff. And by "stuff" I mean STUFF! lol! I've got my shake packets - at least 10, my pills (for the prevention of gall stones, yea!), 1 lt water bottle, the cup/shaker to make the drinks, instructions/forms, etc. There is a bunch of stuff I have to lug around now that I never had to deal with before, so...I splurged!! This is a designer bag, it was not cheap, but I've justified it to myself by explaining to myself that I'm not spending money on food anymore so I can afford this sweet tote bag.

I am pleased! :D

I LOVE this bag and while I might not be eating, I will be looking FABULOUS.

So now that I have my tote bag situation covered I have to deal with my step counter. It came in the mail this week and I decided to wait till this weekend to figure it out. I need to walk at least 10,000 steps a day. I can't wait to see how much I fall short of that total! lol! Monday is gonna be interesting!

This weekend I will be at home alone, this is a big challenge for me, this is when I would do my most "secret eating". Which was essentially bingeing on things I didn't want anyone to know I was eating. Onion rings, cheese cake, buffalo chicken strips, etc. So this will be a test of where I really am at, comfort level wise, with no longer eating whatever I want. I'm not worried about cheating, I'm worried that I will suffer horrible cravings. lol!

My plan is to clean, watch movies, putz around.

Well, have a good weekend 0 readers!!!! I may post on Saturday to let you all know how it went. lol!

Day 8

Good morning 0 readers!!!  ALERT! ALERT!! I've lost 13.2 lbs in my first week!! ALERT! ALTERT!!! I repeat, I've lost 13.2 lbs in my first week!!!!  VICTORY LAP!!! Woo Hoo!! This is AWESOME news!! It's this kind of result that really puts the efforts I'm making into perspective.

Now, I have to keep in mind that I will be getting these large numbers for the first 2 to 4 weeks, but after that I will probably stabilize to about 5 lb's a week. But if I can drop 50 lb's really fast, I'm gonna be ecstatic!!

Ok, I think that's it for today, I will be floating around on the euphoria of my massive loss for the whole day so I probably won't have much to report. 

Till tomorrow, 0 readers!!! I will be busy dreaming about riding a cruiser bike on the boardwalk at the shore next summer, since I will be skinny and fit enough to do that again... *sigh* so happy... :D

Day 7 - 1st week DONE

Alright! This is my 7th day, the completion of my first week. My first weekly checkup where I will hopefully have lost a great deal of weight. I'm hoping for 5 - 7, but feel like it could be close to 10! lol! That's my optimism shining through. I am an optimist at heart, deep down, under the hard boiled cynicism and sarcasm beats the heart of a young girl who really does believe in rainbows, unicorns and happy endings. lol! And that little girl is SURE that I will register a 10 lb loss. She will be ok if she isn't right though, she's a champion at dealing with expectations that aren't met and being OK with it. Cause honestly, any weight loss is gonna be happy news!

I'm also kind of scared, what if I lost hardly anything? What if I'm somehow retaining water and that will counter my fat loss? Oh these damn "worry" tapes that run through my head.

I'm guessing this is what every person in a program for losing weight feels like before their first weigh-in appointment. The questioning of one's own actions, did I do enough, why didn't I walk more, did I drink enough water? Did I drink too much? lol! I will know all of these answers later today.

So, let's talk about water bottles! YEA!!! lol! Part of my requirements are to drink 2 liters of water a day, on top of the 5/8oz shakes a day. This is actually easy to do when you love water like I do, so for that I am extremely grateful. But water bottles are awkward, cumbersome and difficult to fine the right size. Well, I've found the perfect bottle. The Arrow plastic 1 Liter bottle, found at CVS, Rite Aid and probably a ton of other places. And it's cheap!! In the store this bottle will cost you between $3 and $4!! It fits in almost all cup holders, it's light weight, it's handle is perfection. The only bad part is that it will crack easily if dropped, but it's so inexpensive that replacing it is a snap and super cheep. As far as I'm concerned this water bottle is the perfect design.

Ok, that's probably it for today. I look forward to my meeting tonight, I can't wait to hear how much I've lost! Wish me luck, 0 readers!!

Day 6

Let me explain a little about the "Shakes". The meal replacement packets, each at approx 120 - 160 calories with varying levels of sodium, carbs, fiber, sugars and protein. These packets have 6 flavors: Tomato, Chicken, Vanilla, Strawberry, Chocolate and Potato.

I was asked to just pick two last Wednesday evening - taste unknown and under the gun, I picked a box of Chocolate and a box of Tomato - and then they supplied me with 3 samples of each additional flavor. Doing the math, at 5 packets a day for 7 days equals 35 packets consumed in a week. Each box of flavors contains 18 packets, thus providing you with 1 extra packet plus the 12 packets you get as samples.

This isn't overly important to know, unless you have an issue like I did - after consuming a total of 12 Tomato "shakes" (hot water turns them into "soups") I was DONE. Just the smell of it now makes me not want to eat anything (a good aversion tool to remember for the future I'm thinking! lol!).

So now I'm faced with the issue of having to figure out how to avoid drinking the chocolate. So last night I laid out all my samples and was able to swap out my remaining samples for the Tomato and then ask if I can trade the Tomato for something else so I will have extras that I actually like.

Ranking of flavors:

1. Chocolate - mixed with hot water is pretty darn close to ovaltine and is easy to consume, I look forward to it!
2. Vanilla - at first I thought I didn't like it, but that was when I tried it while still on food - my taste buds are more forgiving now. It's a nice vanilla flavor and mixed with cold water it turns thick and drinks much like a "shake" actually would
3. Strawberry - much like Strawberry Quick. Completely acceptable. Not a major Strawberry fan or else this would be at the top of the list
4. Chicken - kind of like a pasty chicken broth. Seasonings identical to McCormmick Grill Mates Montreal Chicken seasonings, but on a lower flavor level.
5. Tomato - I almost wanted to put the Tomato and Potato at the same level, but to be fair I was able to consume 12 of the Tomato before being done with it. This does not taste like Tomato soup, it tastes like a lot so seasonings and salt. I'm not a big salt fan so this could be the reason for my rejection of this one.
6. Potato - BLAND. And thick yet runny. I'm told that people like to make stuff with the Potato, like add a tiny bit of water to turn into think batter, add onion flakes and then dab onto baking sheet to make "chips" I may try this one day, but not at this point. 

So last night, after segregating all my Tomato to the side and seeing what was left, I realized I had to consume one more Potato packet AND I had one more shake due for the day. So Potato it was! I was told that adding hot sauce and other non-caloric/non-carb flavorings is fine. So I grabbed my Cholula, some Worcestershire sauce and decided to test this theory out. FAIL! Massive FAIL!! 

I couldn't even do half the shake, it was horrible. So I just chucked it. Sorry body, you lose out on 80 calories, time to say good night, cause I am NOT gonna eat any more of THAT! lol! 

So that was my epic fail last night, but now I have just Chocolate, vanilla and Strawberry for the next two days and all is well. :)

This AM I woke up fine, no headache so that seems to be stabilizing. Still pretty tired when I come home but that's not bad either. I also realized that today I was not overwhelmed with hunger at any point yet. This is exciting, I might be reaching the point where the raging hunger is subsiding! 

I already feel like I'm a tiny bit smaller, but honestly any change would be too small to be perceptible at this point yet. Probably after a few weeks. 

Tomorrow night I have my first weigh-in, super excited though I think I'm over estimating how much weight I will have lost. lol! I keep thinking it will be 10 lbs but that just not likely! lol! Wishful thinking!! But I will be excited no matter what - unless it's like 1-3 lbs. If it's only that I will be TERRIFIED! lol! If it's that small than that's the kind of weight I can lose on a regular diet where I still get to eat food. It seems unlikely that will be my number. I'm guessing 5-7 lbs is realistic. 

One day I might actually post a picture or tell you (all my 0 readers!) how much I have to lose, but I'm not there yet. :) Soon!

Day 5

I'll be happy when people stop asking me if I miss my favorite foods or breakfast. I think they have no idea what kind of torture it is, or they do and they are just enjoying tormenting the fat girl. lol! Either way, for future information, asking someone on an extreme diet, or any diet really, if they miss their favorites is A) Stupid, of course they do B) insensitive to the efforts the person is taking to avoid those favorites and C) puts the idea in the persons head if it wasn't already there.

Not that I really blame anyone or even get upset, it's just another reminder of all the delicious foods I'm not eating. But I just keep focusing on the wins:

• 1 more day down, 360 (probably) to go, WIN!
• Every liter of water I finish is a WIN!
• Wearing all my cute clothes now cause I'm about to swim in them! WIN!
• Calling a loved one to tell them what I'm doing and getting 100% support and happiness, WIN!
• Enjoying the Hot Chocolate shake so much that I know I can keep doing this, WIN!
• Making plans for next summers vacation at the shore knowing I can do all the thing I really want to do...WIN!
• Knowing my flight next year won't make me scared/mortified that I'm gonna not fit in the seats or bother the persons next to me...WIN!!
• Feeling thinner simply because I've started something so extreme...WIN!
• Proud that I'm doing this and it's something so hard and yet I know I'm committed...WIN

These are the constant tapes running through my head right now. I have to have them in order to not break down and just eat something. Even writing this blog has the side effects of reminding me what its like to bite into food (the fasting diet consists of only fluids), dip into sauce, etc. Have you ever tried to not eat for 1 day, 2, 3, 5? Do you watch survivor and see them starve, talking about food incessantly? I'm the one who would be so angry at them cause their talking about food would drive me nuts! lol! Well, that's what this diet essentially is, though I am getting 400 calories more than Survivor contestants normally get with a few scoops of rice.

Speaking of Survivor (sorry for the random tangent), one friend said to me "you know, you should apply to Survivor before you are done with the fasting, that way by the time you get there you will be like "This is easy people!!". lol! Never would do it, but hilarious to imagine.

Another issue is that I have no problem telling everyone what's going on or what I am doing, I'm excited! I want to share and I don't want people shocked when they see me start to get thinner so quickly.  But me telling is totally different than people asking. For some reasons the questions irritate me and I have no really valid reason why, it just does. Or they ask questions I don't know the answer to "How long will you be on it, when can you start eating food, what's your doctors name, what do the shakes taste like, do you think you can do it, are you gonna be OK only drinking the shakes, why will it be so long?" all those questions irritate me, though there is nothing wrong with people asking. I wish I knew why it bothered me so much. Especially since I am an open book about almost everything, including this.

Post Weight-loss Skin:

A HUGE concern (pun intended) is my skin afterwards. I will look like a deflated balloon. This has always been my concern. I will start saving now but I do't want to look like a human Shar Pei. lol! I'm terrified of my post weight-loss body. I know I will be wearing a fully body Spanx, that I will be like a human accordion of flesh. Coming to terms with this, accepting it and knowing I have a plan of action to rectify it is SOOO important for my motivation. I see this whole process as most likely taking about 2.5 years. 1 year to lose all the weight. 1 year to keep the weight off and prove myself a good candidate for the skin reduction surgery. 6 months to perform the surgeries and recover. This takes me to Christmas of 2014, I'll be 41 by then. That's an acceptable time-frame - and probably way too aggressive! lol! But goals sweetie, goals.

Anyway, good 5th day, though I now know I can't stand the tomato soup. It's so salty, I now just toss it down as fast as I can. The chocolate, heated up, is like Ovaltine. It's so good, I will probably order the Chocolate and Strawberry for next week. Good thing I've always been someone who gets the same thing over and over!

Also resisting the urge to weigh myself, I want that gratification of a weekly acknowledgement of my losses. lol!

I realized last week that M-F 5pm - 6pm is the worst "food obsessing" time for me. That's when my brain starts it's Food Trailer, like a movie trailer but all about food. Speaking of which, after all this talk about food, it's time for me to have a shake!! Laters!

Oh, P.S.

I have to mention how supportive people are and how amazing my friends and family have been. They are so happy for me, so excited and ready to be there if I need them. I've received flowers, presents and so much support. Their support means so much and is another reason to do this. I know they have all been worried that I was going to kill myself with food and now they can finally stop worrying so much and be excited for me. This is amazing. I first thought this was all about me and my goals for what I want to do and activities I've missed, but it's also about them. To see that pride and happiness? I might just become addicted. :) Love them all so much!!!

Day 3

Mini update to all my 0 readers!!! This morning was easy and wonderful, even without my normal habit. Lol! Contrary to my popular belief, I did not just DIE from a lack of comfort food. All is well... :)

Day 2...Continued

Wow! So...I know am getting a really good picture of my triggers. 5:31pm and I can't stop thinking about food. Guess it's time for another shake. Only had one about 2.5 hours ago but since I'm drinking 130 calories 5 times a day, going from zero to starving doesn't seem that surprising.  I can't wait till I get past this phase. I really hope I stop caring about food soon. lol!

I imagine Heroin addiction is similar, so even when on methadone you can't stop craving the real stuff?  That's how I feel at this point. Like a drug addict going through withdraws! lol!

Gonna drive home now and download movies. I need to sooth myself somehow. :) Trade one addiction for another?

Happy weekend!

Day 2

I went to bed hungry last night, that's to be expected in these first few weeks. Each time I am confronted with my hunger I basically distract myself or tell myself to buck up! You have your goals! I also slapped my face lightly when driving past the BBQ place that smelled like sauce heaven. lol!

I woke up with a debilitating head ache/nausea. The kind of head ache where you feel like your brain is being pumped up with air at the some time it's being squeezed. Hurt in front, back and all around.  I hit that SOB with 600 mg IBU and then 45 minutes later another 600 mg's. After about 30 minutes it was down to a dull roar, I wasn't worried about hurling and I was able to start my day.

Got a call from the weight-loss docs - super awesome that they followed up with me to see how I was doing! I explained the headaches/nausea and she said that is normal for the first few days - kinda what I thought too - lots of changes going on and the body reacts in different ways.

Then I mentioned the debacle at the pharmacy yesterday (which I think I blogged about). WOW! Immediate response!! She had my weight-loss doc (Dr.I from here on out) talk to my GP and whammo! All solved! I don't know where the info came from about a failing liver (!!!!) but the liver test that was run when I first started this came out all clear, health liver.

But they didn't stop there, Dr. I. then called me himself to go over my blood test results too, all's well, even Cholesterol - which frankly, is shocking IMO! lol!

So Day 2 - halfway point in the day, has been really good. Still had the energy to go on my walk, been running around at work, battled - and won - that massive headache, talked to my mom and finally told her all the details and got my prescriptions all set.

Now onto the weekend. This is the scary part. I was addicted to my McDonald's. I would get a #3, come home, go back to bed, put on a movie and just relax. Now, I feel a little lost. People might not get it, but it was a large source of comfort for me, this little ritual. It is something I would look forward to all week. Those few hours on Saturday AM before everything starts. I will have to figure out what to do now, but it will be fine. Maybe I will use that time to do some exercise - while watching my movie. Or maybe I'll knit! lol!

Also going to a party this weekend - I really don't want the whole time to be talking about this diet, yet at the same time it's kind of the biggest thing going on in my life so I probably will be the one blabbing about it like a big mouth. lol!

Pool party and dance party, so we will see how that goes when I'm only ingesting 650 calories. Good frakkin luck to me! lol!

See you Monday for Day 5!

Day 1...continued

So it's almost 6:00 PM and let me tell you, 500 calories ingested so far and...I'm hungry! lol! Wow! Images of food keep popping into my head. I think about taking bites of food. I'm talking to a coworker while my brain is actually thinking about chicken and rice! lol!

I found myself already thinking about what it would be like to eat - and I'm not even 24 hours into this bitch.

Let me tell you people...this is not easy.

That said, I'm not eating anything but these shakes. I've got too much living to do. So Stomach? Get used to it.

Day 1

So today it begins. I am officially not eating food and now drinking shakes of dubious flavor and consistency.

• I will be ingesting a whopping 650 calories per day. 
• I will be taking 2 Sugar Free fiber jellies because, as I have been told over and over, I can look forward to many a constipated days. 
• I will be taking medication to prevent gall stones - once my Pharmacist, GP and Endo can all agree. Somehow my pharmacy info shows I have a failing liver. Slightly disturbing news considering I've never had any liver problems or tests! lol! Oh the joys of medical files!!
• I will be drinking a minimum of 2 liters of water a day.
• I will be tracking my steps and need to do at least 10,000 per day. If only I could count the number of times my mouth moves to explain why I am drinking my lunch as steps!!!
• I've been told I can't have caffeine, but frankly, I'm not sure I'm gonna follow that directive. I've been given no solid reason why besides the fact that Caffeine causes a spike in blood sugar and then a drop. I was informed that the drop can cause a person to be overwhelmed with cravings and without glucose in the brain we aren't fully capable of resisting our food urges. I might just see if that monster is really in me. I love my chemically delicious Diet Coke!!
• Once a week I will go an evening session to get weighted, blood drawn (they are not fucking around, folks!) and then group meeting where I thought it was gonna be this horrible "talk about your feelings" session, but really it's just to see where everyone is at and to provide suggestions or updates.

This morning I woke up excited to start! I had my first drink - a Chocolate shake. Not bad. Not good, not great, but doable. Every time I worry "Can I do this?" I think: I spent 20 years eating whatever I want, now it's time to pay the piper. When others said no, pushed the plate away, went for a walk or run, I was enjoying my buffalo chicken strips. lol! Now's my turn.

So that's where I am...BUT! Let me tell you about where I WANT to be, because honestly, where I WANT to be is why I am where I am today.

I want to be (I will continue to update this list as I think of more. This is a living list, the reasons I am doing this. It should grow. It should be huge. It should be so big that it weighs more than the amount I want to lose. It should be so big it fills my heart and mind with only good thoughts so I can make it through this long road.):

• Riding roller-coasters again!
• Ice skating again
• Lets add roller skating in there too
• I want to fly back to see my family without:
• Dreading a plane ride
• Feeling bad about taking up too much room
• Getting looks of judgement from other passengers
• See my family without being embarrassed about how I look or what I've done to myself
• Be able to walk on the beach (Little discussed fact, walking in dry sand when overweight is vary arduous. The PSI makes us push deep into the sand and makes that walk very difficult)
• Be able to play with the kids and run around, maybe even skip! 
• I want to go on a cruise again, or on a vacation where my weight no longer makes me say "No, I don't think I'll do that, you go ahead! Have a great time!" 
• Zipline
• Ride the swing ride at an amusement park
• Go to the local repertory theater again and not be in agony cause the seats are tiny and I'm not
• Run
• Go to Hawaii
• Go to Greece
• Let's just make this easier and say "Go to Europe", lol!
• Ride a horse again
• Bike ride at the shore
• Go to Yosemite and hike to the waterfall again
• Just be able to go out and not be embarrassed for looking like I do
• Fitting into my Veronica Mars T-shirt!
• Not feeling Shame when being in public
• No longer saying no to doing something cause I don't want people to see me
• Able to feel thin arms, to cross my arms and hold my own biceps. Essentially, experience my body being thin again.

So there it is, that's the real reason I'm doing all of this. Not for my health, not for my family, not for my friends, but for this list. For me. Because while I do love my life and am a very happy person these days, I am not free. Free to do the things I want without shame, pain or knowing it's not safe for me or others. 

This is the list I have to think of every time I want to break down, be weak and give into the monster in side me that cares more about satisfying a craving than about the future I am trying to gain.