Day 19

Well 0 readers it was a weird weekend. Since this is anonymous and I don't have any readers or plan on sharing this with anyone I know, let me tell you what really happened this weekend.

#1.  I tried something drastic.

As you know I've been struggling with my cravings so much. So, on my first weekend alone, I decided to do something pretty gross but effective. I bought some of the food I was craving, bit into it, chewed the delicious foods and then spit it out into a bowl. I did this three times. Once on Friday and twice on Saturday. It was amazing! lol! To taste the food, feel the crunch, MMMMM!! Amazing!! lol! The other thing, I know I won't be wanting those foods again because I saw what they looked like after spitting them out! lol! So disgusting!!! I'm sure I absorbed some salt and sugar through my mouth, and maybe a bit of the fat/grease and some bit of carbs went down but overall I ate nothing and tasted all of it. lol! I'm SURE this is not an approved way of dealing with cravings. But it worked. I felt so satisfied. After each episode I crazily brushed my teeth, flossed, etc. Trying to make sure to swallow any calories. Carbs being the biggest fear.

It is also something I don't want to do often, but it was very effective in killing the ever deepening cravings for food.

#2. My sister called me and in a very disturbing conversation I went from relaxed to extremely worried.

Well, since is just me and you, my 0 readers, I can share with you that my sister has been having a very difficult year or so, maybe long. She is struggling with her husband, her dissatisfaction, with feeling like her husband doesn't listen, undermines her with her daughter, etc. She has also been getting more and more upset with my mother. Over the past 1.5 years I have seen her change dramatically. I've tried to get her into counseling, marriage therapy, anything.

I witnessed a horrid fight between my sister and my niece. Something is really wrong and I can't do anything to help. I don't know what to do. On Sunday she called asking if she and my niece could come down, drop her off with me while my sister goes to meet her best friend. I asked a few questions and was met with almost hysterical crying, saying she didn't need the interrogation and then hung up.

I have kind of been in shock/stunned/frozen since them. Stuck because I don't know what to do.  My brother in law just called me and he is scared too, almost had to call the cops on her to take her to the hospital. I'm really scared and not sure what to do. I told him to call his provider immediately and make an emergency appointment for her and beg her to go. This supersedes any diet stuff and just terrifies me. Also worries me because our mother had a breakdown around her age and left us. I'm scared for my sister, my niece and my brother-in-law.

I did not feel the urge to eat, I felt the urge to clean and found myself just stopped sometimes and staring, caught worrying. 0 readers, this is scary stuff.