Day 1

So today it begins. I am officially not eating food and now drinking shakes of dubious flavor and consistency.

• I will be ingesting a whopping 650 calories per day. 
• I will be taking 2 Sugar Free fiber jellies because, as I have been told over and over, I can look forward to many a constipated days. 
• I will be taking medication to prevent gall stones - once my Pharmacist, GP and Endo can all agree. Somehow my pharmacy info shows I have a failing liver. Slightly disturbing news considering I've never had any liver problems or tests! lol! Oh the joys of medical files!!
• I will be drinking a minimum of 2 liters of water a day.
• I will be tracking my steps and need to do at least 10,000 per day. If only I could count the number of times my mouth moves to explain why I am drinking my lunch as steps!!!
• I've been told I can't have caffeine, but frankly, I'm not sure I'm gonna follow that directive. I've been given no solid reason why besides the fact that Caffeine causes a spike in blood sugar and then a drop. I was informed that the drop can cause a person to be overwhelmed with cravings and without glucose in the brain we aren't fully capable of resisting our food urges. I might just see if that monster is really in me. I love my chemically delicious Diet Coke!!
• Once a week I will go an evening session to get weighted, blood drawn (they are not fucking around, folks!) and then group meeting where I thought it was gonna be this horrible "talk about your feelings" session, but really it's just to see where everyone is at and to provide suggestions or updates.

This morning I woke up excited to start! I had my first drink - a Chocolate shake. Not bad. Not good, not great, but doable. Every time I worry "Can I do this?" I think: I spent 20 years eating whatever I want, now it's time to pay the piper. When others said no, pushed the plate away, went for a walk or run, I was enjoying my buffalo chicken strips. lol! Now's my turn.

So that's where I am...BUT! Let me tell you about where I WANT to be, because honestly, where I WANT to be is why I am where I am today.

I want to be (I will continue to update this list as I think of more. This is a living list, the reasons I am doing this. It should grow. It should be huge. It should be so big that it weighs more than the amount I want to lose. It should be so big it fills my heart and mind with only good thoughts so I can make it through this long road.):

• Riding roller-coasters again!
• Ice skating again
• Lets add roller skating in there too
• I want to fly back to see my family without:
• Dreading a plane ride
• Feeling bad about taking up too much room
• Getting looks of judgement from other passengers
• See my family without being embarrassed about how I look or what I've done to myself
• Be able to walk on the beach (Little discussed fact, walking in dry sand when overweight is vary arduous. The PSI makes us push deep into the sand and makes that walk very difficult)
• Be able to play with the kids and run around, maybe even skip! 
• I want to go on a cruise again, or on a vacation where my weight no longer makes me say "No, I don't think I'll do that, you go ahead! Have a great time!" 
• Zipline
• Ride the swing ride at an amusement park
• Go to the local repertory theater again and not be in agony cause the seats are tiny and I'm not
• Run
• Go to Hawaii
• Go to Greece
• Let's just make this easier and say "Go to Europe", lol!
• Ride a horse again
• Bike ride at the shore
• Go to Yosemite and hike to the waterfall again
• Just be able to go out and not be embarrassed for looking like I do
• Fitting into my Veronica Mars T-shirt!
• Not feeling Shame when being in public
• No longer saying no to doing something cause I don't want people to see me
• Able to feel thin arms, to cross my arms and hold my own biceps. Essentially, experience my body being thin again.

So there it is, that's the real reason I'm doing all of this. Not for my health, not for my family, not for my friends, but for this list. For me. Because while I do love my life and am a very happy person these days, I am not free. Free to do the things I want without shame, pain or knowing it's not safe for me or others. 

This is the list I have to think of every time I want to break down, be weak and give into the monster in side me that cares more about satisfying a craving than about the future I am trying to gain.